10 Reasons Alan Thicke Is The Sexiest #THICKE of Them All

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Everyone is so busy talking about Robin Thicke‘s big dick and how “Blurred Lines” is the 2013 Song of Summer and, blah, blah, blah, something else about sexism and objectification. (I actually take that seriously, lest you were worried I was being dismissive.) The 36 year-old R&B singer’s new album just came out today, and in response to that, I want to acknowledge that we’re all missing the big picture here…

Alan Thicke, father to Robin and star of the 1980s sitcom Growing Pains, is the hottest Thicke of all time.

To demonstrate this point, I’ve outlined ten especially convincing reasons that will make you squeal in delight as you pre-cum in your boxers. This post is likely the most NSFW thing I’ve ever written for xhardxtimesx.ru, so you probably shouldn’t read it if you’re around anyone who doesn’t want to see your boner. Don’t say I didn’t warn you!

– Dewitt

Check out ten reasons why Alan Thicke is way hotter than his son below:


1. He will get you “Sweaty and Hot”: Beyond Growing Pains, people forget that Alan Thicke was an accomplished songwriter, penning the theme songs for Diff’rent Strokes and The Facts of Life. His greatest accomplishment, however, was an original song composed for the 1988 Crystal Light National Aerobic Championship, which includes such choice lyrics as “Ready or not / I’m cumming / Baby, I’ve got some muscle for you / Sweaty and hot / I’m open / I’m gonna bet when I’m done / You’re gonna beg me to have some big time fun / Oh, darling / I work my body out just for you”.


Alan Thicke in Playgirl

2. He once posed in Playgirl: Prior to the irrelevant Levi Johnston era of the magazine, Playgirl got actual celebrities like Alan Thicke to take off their clothes for the world. You can grab a copy of this important piece of pop culture history for a mere on Amazon. While you’re at it, you might even learn how to tell if he’s MR. WRONG.


Alan Thicke nude in a 1987 spread for Playgirl

3. No, really, he posed for Playgirl: They didn’t just throw him on the cover! Thicke stripped down completely, and as one person on put it, showed us that smile again. This is Jason Seaver like you’ve never seen him before. Neither his real-life son (Robin Thicke) nor his TV son (Kirk Cameron) have ever showed this much skin.


Trenton Ducati

4. He might be Trenton Ducati’s biological father: Am I the only one who thinks there’s a weird resemblance between Alan Thicke and gay porn star Trenton Ducati? I’m convinced that Ducati is Thicke’s secret love child, conceived in between one of his three marriages and adopted into another family to avoid any tabloid scandals.


5. AIN’T NO HAT 4 THAT! AIN’T NO HAT 4 THAT!: Alan also co-wrote “Ain’t No Hat For That”, which is arguably the best song on Robin Thicke’s sixth studio album Blurred Lines. Though it might just seem like a funky throwback jam, a deeper look into the lyrics reveals impressive vocabulary words like “obstreperous”. Alan Thicke wants to do more than make you dance. He wants you to learn.


Alan Thicke is a silver fox.

6. He’s aged well: Take a moment to imagine what Robin Thicke will look like in twenty years. Will he be a handsome silver fox like this? Or will he be sort of creepy and predatory-looking? Nobody knows for sure, but I’ll place bets that he won’t look anywhere near as dapper as his father. This is a man I’d get into some daddy/son roleplay with, for sure.


Alan Thicke

7. This picture: Look at him all sprawled out on a desk, inviting us all to step into his office! Forget the 6 lucky bitches who got fucked by Colby Jansen in an office. I want to be the one lucky bitch who Alan greets naked in his desk chair and motions to sit on his lap. I know Dr. Jason Seaver is a psychiatrist, but I’m sure he could swing a prostate exam for me…


8. The theme song to his talk show is so good: If I didn’t have to work right now, I’d be dancing in my underwear to this and humping the air around me. Is Alan Thicke a more talented musical artist than Michael Jackson? The Beatles? Beethoven? One could argue the answer is most definitely “yes”. The person making this argument would also be one-hundred percent correct.


9. But, really, we need to talk about his talk show: Remember that time he felt up a bodybuilder? Everything he says in this clip sounds so sexual that my taint might explode from overstimulation. You should not watch this clip unless you’re okay having an orgasm the moment you hit the play button.


Sweaty and Hot

10. Did you watch “Sweaty and Hot”?: If you didn’t, go back to item number one on this list. If that video clip doesn’t work, watch it on and cherish it forever. The world should not be deprived of the sweaty hotness of Alan Thicke any longer. Tell all your friends! Tell all your coworkers! Tell your grandmother! He’ll work his body out just for you.




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