The Grabbys are the porn equivalent of the Oscars (but with far hotter people and surely way less boring and probably less fuck-ups). There’s a problem, and all of you porn fans can empathize with me on this one. Cuz’ the 2017 Grabby nominations have been announced, and there are SO MANY FUCKING nominees in each category that the fucking show in Chicago on May 27 should take about 7½ hours. Pardon my foul language, but it’s like 23 nominees for every category. Basically, the entire porn industry has been nominated. I guess that’s nice, but the chief complaint about millennials these days is that everyone got a trophy as a kid so kids wouldn’t feel bad. This led to entitlement (or so the accusations go)! We can’t have the porn industry feeling entitled. Or they’ll stop trying to be as hot as possible! So here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to go through each category and give you MY choice for who should get a Grabby out of the nominees. Play along at home!
Keep scrolling for my Grabbys 2017 picks!
– Michael Xavier
Twink Performer –
This category is weird. They nominated some dudes who are more in the “twunk” category (Luke Adams and Gabriel Cross) and left out the model who is probably the twink superstar story of 2016-2017 – Sean Ford. To me, twinks should have small perky asses not big round bubble butts like Adams and Cross. But, looking at the actual nominees, if I can’t have Sean Ford? I’ll go with Johnny Rapid. He’s not a twink, but not quite a twunk. And he’s fire in a scene. Go Johnny.
Best Newcomer –
This is an insane one. THERE ARE 21 FUCKING NOMINEES. How do you choose? Here they are. You guys tell me what you think. I honestly can’t decide. There are too many amazing performers.
Arad Win Win
Best Actor –
Tons of amazing performance, but I gotta go with Markie More in Cheating Faith from Next Door Studios. Markie is just an engine of porn. He’s like a porn missile. He’s just builting for fucking. (And someone just told me he retired. For a woman. FML.)
Best Screenplay –
I’m declaring this a tie between Jackie Beat’s slasher film parody Scared Stiff for NakedSword (Colby Keller as a forest ranger) and Jake Jaxson’s boy band satire One Erection (whose finale Colby ALSO appeared in). Both of them somehow pulled off porn comedies that were actually pretty funny with hot fucking. Truthfully, One Erection had the edge on Scared Stiff but Colby Keller as a forest ranger.
Best Fetish Movie –
Bondage Garage from Fetish Force!
My kinky side really responded to this series. The kinkery was just so inventive in Bondage Garage. Eli Lewis got wrapped in saran wrap and fucked by Brian Bonds. Lance Hart strapped a dildo gag to Marty Mackenzie’s face and then used it to fuck his own ass, smooshing that beautiful butt in Marty’s face as a humiliating slave treatment. There were fucking machines and butt wrenches. You kinda have to see it to believe it.
Best Versatile Performer –
I’m declaring this one as a tie – Johnny V and this week’s “7 Questions” subject Quentin Gainz. The blonde musclemanboy and probably the most perfect body in porn flipped their switches left and right this year, fucking and getting fucked with aplomb. Johnny V needs to move on up to more visible studio digs, and Quentin should be ruling NextDoor this time next year.
Hottest Top –
This one was so hard that I’m wishing particularly painful wedgies on the Grabbys people for making me choose. I’m declaring it a three-way tie – Colby Jansen, Sebastian Kross, and Austin Wolf. Colby because he’s my boyfriend and sooner or later I will sit on his cock. Sebastian because his striking looks match his skillful fucking. And Austin uses that huge ass as an engine to drive the dick that BATTERS THOSE HOES.
Hottest Bottom –
I could whine about how there are too many nominees again, but I’ll change the channel on that one. Gabriel Cross! He’s small-statured with what I like to call a “target bum.” Gabriel’s ass is so round and bouncy yet tight that it’s like dicks are drawn to fuck it. Plus, he’s got a British accent. That always tips the scales.
Hottest Cock –
Boomer Banks! Ever since I did my Boomer Banks research for his “7 Questions” feature, his penis has been on my mind. It’s so long, and strong, and it gets the fucking done. This might sound weird but Boomer’s penis is striking.
Best Videography –
I am no film student, so I can only attest to what I find to be the most visually appealing. I’m going with Mark MacNamara for Tarzan from MEN. Diego Sans looked amazing as Tarzan, and the outdoors setting was photographed beautifully. Everyone was lit correctly. I’ll put it this way – I’m happy when I can’t see any butt acne from juicing, if ya read me.
Best Group –
None of them. The “Best Group” scene for 2017 – 2018 is not among the nominees. It probably didn’t make the cut because it just came out this week – Dad Group, Part 3! (I’d also like to point out that I can’t find “Connor Maguire” or “Ashton McKay” or “Aspen” among any of these nominations so far, so fuck the Grabbys at this point.) But, if I have to choose from their lame nominees (I kid!), I’ll go with Paddy O’Brian, Jay Roberts, Dato Foland, Darius Ferdynand, Logan Moore, Hector De Silva, Sunny Colucci, and Gabriel Cross in Sense 8 from MEN. All kidding aside, that shit was epic.
Best Duo –
I’m going with the time that two porn titans came together. Two frighteningly sexy men fucked in an instant classic. One of the most beautiful asses in porn was paired with our porn superhero. Carter Dane and Ryan Rose wowed us (and boned us) in Sexflix and Chill from Falcon Studios.
Best All Sex Movie –
I’m not too clear on this topic. Is this just a scene with no script or attempt at a story? Either way, Brandon Wilde’s First Gang Bang from IconMale. I could watch that snotty, sexy punk Brandon Wilde get his bubble butt pumped by multiple cocks forever.
Manly Man –
Colby Keller. He’s a manly man but with a sweet, artistic side. That’s even more manly to me. I’m trying to not think about who he voted for and just voting for the best guy for the job.
Performer of the Year –
Colby Jansen. I gotta go with my man. He’s the manliest, hottest, beefiest, down-to-earth slab of stud going. Plus – he bottoms like it ain’t no thing. Plus, plus, his huge man ass is the shrine at which I worship. The debut of Colby’s Crew made me very, very happy this year.
There are tons of other categories, and they really drill down on the actions of porn. Quickly, here’s my choices for each.
Hottest Rimming – Carter Dane & Ryan Rose – Sexflix and Chill – Falcon Studios
Best Director – Jake Jaxson & ChiChi LaRue – One Erection – Cockyboys
Best Still Photographer – mr. Pam
Best Supporting Actor – Wesley Woods – Scared Stiff – NakedSword
Hottest Flip – Derrick Dime & Quentin Gainz – The Brother-In-Law – Next Door Raw
Best Art Direction – Lifeguards – Helix Studios
Best 3 Way –Carter Dane, Jimmy Durano & Levi Karter – Just Love – Cockyboys
Best Movie Or Web Series – One Erection – Cockyboys
Best Video Company Site – Men.com
Best Livecam – Flirt4Free.com
Best Fetish Site – Kinkmen.com
Best Porn Blog – Who do you think? xhardxtimesx.ru (*bows*)
Squirt.org Fan Favorite Porn Star – Colby Jansen
Steamworks Fan Favorite Movie – Just Love – Cockyboys
Jesus that was a lot. By the way, I didn’t know we were nominated until I scrolled down to include the category. What a pleasant surprise.