I’m not going to mention any names, but someone here at headquarters nearly threw acid in my eyes when I referred to Evan Peters, in the physical sense, as budget Michael Cera. To this day, I don’t fully understand why people are finger-banging themselves to sweet visions of the American Horror Story star. He’s not terrible looking, sure! I’ll even admit that he’s occasionally capable of being described as (somewhat) sexy.
But how are you watching show with your hands down your pants? Never mind the fact that this season has been scattered, transparent and packed with an overwhelming amount of frustrating camera techniques… His character isn’t the least bit sexy! It’s common knowledge that Kit Walker could get it, and I can maybe get why some of you sick fucks were into damaged goods like Tate. This guy, though? We got to know him for two whole seconds, and then he became a terrifying zombie-monster-creature with an even more terrifying family background.
Teehee, at least he’s naked though!
Ryan Murphy knows his audience, so he treated all you thirsty bitches to a view of Peters’ ass on last night’s episode. Spoiler alert! I have no idea what’s going on in these shots. American Horror Story: Coven ranked low on my must-watch list when episodes of My Grandmother’s Ravioli were still on my DVR. You know you’re in trouble when you’ve got Kathy Bates, Jessica Lange and Angela Bassett on your show, and it’s still a huge sack of cow dung.
In conclusion, I am what’s commonly referred to in modern culture as a “hater”. To make up for all my negative feelings and show you that I’m not a total asshole, I will offer up a few compliments for Evan Peters—1) He’s a better actor than Gabourey Sidibe by a long run, 2) I would still hit that under the right circumstances, and 3) I am legitimately surprised by how much meat he has on his butt. He is not, as some of you fitness enthusiasts like to say, “skipping leg day” at the gym.
Photo credit: Davis Factor
Check out some screen-caps of Evan Peters’ ass below:
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE…