I’m Coming Out: Confessions of A One-Time “Porn Star”, Ten Years Later


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Over the summer, I put aside forty minutes of my life to watch the porno I appeared in when I was 18 years-old. It had been approximately ten years since the film had been made—shot at one of my fellow performer’s New Jersey Shore beach house in 2004—and this was my first time viewing it from start to finish.

(.)

My first attempt occurred shortly after I had just turned 19 years-old. I received a VHS copy of the movie from the director and popped it into the VCR of my college dorm room. With my pants around my ankles, I began to watch myself stripping down to a bright red speedo and failing to deepthroat one of the biggest penises I had ever touched up until that point in my life.

Shortly into my viewing session, an overwhelming sense of anxiety came over me, largely associated with the guilt of growing up Catholic and a slight sense of internalized homophobia. Tears began pouring from my eyes, as I asked myself a series of questions. Did I just make a huge mistake for the temporary thrill of exhibitionism? What if my friends, family or future romantic partners found out about this? Could this affect my professional future? For fuck’s sake, why did I even do this in the first place? Why don’t I ever think things through?

My hands darted toward the eject button. I threw the tape against the wall, but that wasn’t enough to cleanse my guilty conscience. To make sure nobody accidentally discovered my secret, I opened the plastic shell of the VHS tape, unraveled it onto the ground and chopped it to confetti-sized pieces with a pair of scissors. These were immediately thrown into the dumpster behind my living quarters, followed by a long warm shower with more and more tears running down my face.

Despite the shame, I would find myself bragging to guys on about my adventures as a “porn star” named Evan Fury. Men found this fascinating. They would pry for details about the filming process, or in several cases, they would drop everything they were doing to pick me up on campus and get their asses rammed by a real-life teenage “porn star”.

Beyond that, Evan never really came up again. He evolved, to an extent, into a blogger named Dewitt, a character with a one-track mind who provided me with an outlet for my sexual fantasies. There was one point a few years ago when the two crossed paths.

Another blogger shared footage from my movie while I was employed by . Knowing that my coworkers read his blog—and having had trouble with him in the past—I made the bizarre move of frantically explaining the situation to my boss, barely able to breathe as the words poured out of my mouth.

I honestly don’t recall what happened after that conversation (or during it, for that matter).

All I know is, a few years later I decided to drunkenly search for the aforementioned blog post and discovered it had vanished from the internet. My mind was set on watching my 18 year-old self in a gay porn foursome, and this somehow led to my discovery that the film’s available for streaming on , right under my fucking nose.

If you’ve never had the experience of watching your 18-year old self have sex ten years after the fact, then I can tell you with some certainty that it’s awkward as hell. Tears were running down my face again, but this time, it was out of pure laughter. This was especially the case in a part where my costar Josh Kole went down on me. My skeletal body looked like a corpse, sprawled across the carpet like a murder victim from some prime-time TV show.

It made me want to apologize to every porn star I ever referred to as “boring”. We take for granted how much of porn is actually a performance. Most likely, you would be boring too if someone just snuck a camera into your bedroom. In the same way that stage actors have to exaggerate their movements for audience members in the back row, porn models have to amplify the sensations they’re feeling so it translates onscreen.

To make matters worse, I can remember how cocky I felt when I was on set, as if I were the Michelangelo of dick movies. My eyes rolled every time the younger of my three costars, Holden Grey, mentioned that he worked with Chi Chi LaRue. He wasn’t shit compared to me, I thought, as I relied on my one trademark move—a circular hip motion while I was deep inside a bottom’s ass.

The urge to share these thoughts with you came from a familiar place of guilt. Recent posts about Billy Reilich and Cory Monteith made me wonder how I’d feel if someone spread my personal business all over the place. With National Coming Out Day occurring today, October 11, it suddenly dawned on me that I shouldn’t let anyone else have that opportunity.

(And, yes, I realize there are some flaws in that logic.)

While a small part of me lingers on those questions I asked myself ten years ago, the time I’ve spent with on the outskirts of the adult industry has made me realize that there’s no reason to be guilty or ashamed for what I’ve done. Sex is part of life, and I just happened to do it on camera for a paycheck… And you know what? I look back on the experience with fondness.

This is my time to come out as a former “porn star” and own that this is a part of my past I’ll never be able to erase. This is my time to punch all that shame I felt in the face. This is my time to listen to a super-gay dance remix of Martha Wash‘s “” and tell myself that this is my time, because in a way, coming out is more than just telling people about your sexuality. It’s living in truth, acknowledging who you are, who you’ve been and the potential for who you could become.

I am a one-time “porn star”, and you can watch my movie on .

– Dewitt

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