Secret Sex: Haley Joel Osment

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Yes! Hell yes! This is what the Secret Sex series was invented for. Not for me to lust after hot bear rappers or Adam Pally, but to reveal a legitimately shameful crush that I’d never say out loud in the company of friends. Today’s legitimately (!!!) shameful crush is grown-up Haley Joel Osment, whose most famously known for uttering four simple words (“I see dead people”) that thereby subjected us to M. Night Shyamalan‘s awful writing and directing for years to come.

In an attempt to finally outgrow The Sixth Sense and get work beyond in Disney’s Kingdom Hearts video games, the now 23 year-old actor is playing gay in the soon-to-be-released flick Sassy Pants (which also features fave/utterly genius comedian Drew Droege).

Spoiler alert! Haley did not age well. It might just be the heinous hairdo, but that once-upon-a-time adorable face looks incredibly awkward on an adult body. He might even be what some of you would call “unattractive”. Because, obviously, I would NEVER use that word to describe a person.

Then there’s the kicker. If you pay close attention to the trailer for Sassy Pants, you’ll notice a few shots of Haley’s big, round ass. “Fuckable” doesn’t even begin to describe it! He basically borrowed Rob Kardashian‘s ass for this role, and I ain’t mad at him for it… Haley, if you ever want to have sex with a brown-bag over your head, give me a call!

What? Don’t look at me like that! Just try and tell me you could look at that face while fucking him. Personally, I wouldn’t be able to stop laughing, ’cause I’d be too busy thinking to myself, “I see my dick up your butt”.

– Dewitt

Click through to see Haley’s big-ass booty in the trailer for Sassy Pants:

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