Are you getting tired of all these “Best of 2011” lists yet? We have good news for you, because today’s installment of Secret Sex puts a spin on the usual end-of-the-year countdown. We took the top fifty subjects from ‘s list of , passed them around headquarters and had each eligible employee mark down the guys they’re secretly (or not-so-secretly) attracted to. It’s the best of the worst!
Just to clear up any confusion, here’s how each winners’ (?) description works…
• They wrote: The “they” in this instance refers to The Phoenix and the reasons they listed for this particular individual’s lack of sex appeal.
• Why he gave Manhunt a boner: This is where we try to justify why we (or our coworkers) found someone attractive. You may not agree with us in every instance, but we’ll try our best to explain our shameful crushes.
• Why we’re ashamed of our boner: Pretty self-explanatory, no?
• Your pick: You might get confused here. These are the ten most popular Secret Sex entries ranked from least traffic to most traffic. We didn’t specifically highlight these in our post, since most of the crushes don’t involve enough guilt.
There you have it! Now that we’ve explained how this works, click through to find out who… Er, can we really call this winning? Let’s just say, click through to find out who’s on the list.
Click through to view the list and find out who’s number one:
10. ANTHONY WEINER:
They wrote: “Who wouldn’t want to receive unsolicited pictures of this erstwhile congressman’s tighty-whitey-sheathed kosher dill? (Shudder.) And who wouldn’t want to sext with a man who likes to fantasize about being a superhero? (‘I came back strong. Large. In charge. Tights and cape shit,’ he texted to one 17-year-old penpal.) The puns have all been made; the real question is why a guy who has undoubtedly been teased for his last name all his life would make it so easy.”
Why he gave Manhunt a boner: He’s a sleazy politician who sexts ladies pictures of his boner.
Why we’re ashamed of our boner: He’s a sleazy politician who sexts ladies pictures of his boner.
Your pick: Daniel Bedingfield
9. BRETT RATNER:
They wrote: “Okay, so the prize for most batshit-crazy soundbites this year might go to Chuck Sheen, but we have to give this pudgy director credit where it’s due. Ratner qualified when he told an interviewer that ‘rehearsal is for fags.’ Homophobia aside, what does that even mean? Don’t get it, don’t like it. Neither did the Academy, who forced Ratner into quitting his upcoming Oscar-producing gig. Ratner also claimed to have banged Olivia Munn (he later apologized and admitted it wasn’t true) and that he has ‘huge balls.’ Blech.”
Why he gave Manhunt a boner: My co-blogger J. Harvey said it best – “I like bears and I have an unhealthy boner for schlubs. Yes, he’s a talentless hack of a film director who and supposedly . The heart hard-on wants what it wants.”
Why we’re ashamed of our boner: Four words – “Rehearsal is for fags”. Not to mention, there was that whole thing where he tried to justify that transphobic scene in Rush Hour 3 by saying he got his first blowjob from a dude that he didn’t know was a dude. Run-on sentence, but .
Your pick: Greg Bennett
8. TRIPLE H:
They wrote: “The night before his WWE contract expired, CM Punk snatched the WWE championship from the loathed John Cena, and wrestling was edgy and cool again . . . for about a week. Then Triple H — Vince McMahon’s son-in-law and inexplicable ‘star’ from 2003 — hogged the Monday Night Raw cameras for the entire summer. The fuck?”
Why he gave Manhunt a boner: Pro-wrestling is hot.
Why we’re ashamed of our boner: Your xhardxtimesx.ru bloggers weren’t even aware that he still exists, so we can’t help you with this one.
Your pick: Jake Johnson
7. CHRIS BROWN:
They wrote: “Biggest WTF television moment of 2011? Quite possibly Chris Brown receiving a standing ovation for his performance at the MTV Video Music Awards, blatantly lip-synching and flying around the stage to Wu-Tang’s ‘Protect Ya Neck’ like some spousal-abusing Peter Pan. How quickly we forget. And that’s without even mentioning his chair-throwing fit on the set of Good Morning America. Someone needs to slap some sense into this buffoon — yo, Ghostface, we’re looking in your direction. “
Why he gave Manhunt a boner: Ugh, we can’t even justify this one. His dick? His abs? That song where he sings about vagina juices? We’re trying really hard to keep our mouths shut and not judge our coworkers, but this is as despicable as both of us voting for from Teen Mom. And, for the record, we were the only ones who voted for him.
Why we’re ashamed of our boner: BECAUSE YOU SHOULD BE, OKAY?
Your pick: Matt Zarley
6. MARK ZUCKERBERG:
They wrote: “Quit changing the Facebook homepage layout, you raging dweeb, it was fine the way it was. Now that we got that out of our system, let’s get to the real issue at hand. This twerp is making billions selling off our private info to advertisers, and there isn’t a damn thing we can do about it. (Well, we could cancel our accounts. But then how would we keep tabs on how much weight our eighth-grade boyfriend’s wife is gaining?) Reportedly, Zuckerberg once called Facebook users ‘dumb fucks,’ which is a real nice way to talk about the people who provide the singular reason that you get laid, ever.”
Why he gave Manhunt a boner: I watched someone check off his name on the list, and they offered up the following bit of information – “I saw him at a conference once. He has really nice arms”. Arms! Apparently, it was his arms that sold us.
Why we’re ashamed of our boner: He seems like a douche and will perpetually look like a twelve year-old?
Your pick: Matthew McConaughey
5. STANLEY TUCCI:
They wrote: “Though Stanley Tucci sometimes appears in decent films, we’re not sure he deserves to. He played the same sage, aging homosexual in both The Devil Wears Prada and Burlesque — isn’t that cheating? Worse still was his turn as Emma Stone’s hip dad in Easy A and Julia Child’s tiny, hairy husband in Julie and Julia. He’s always rolling his saucer eyes in his head like a Precious Moments figurine pleading for mercy or flailing his arms anxiously like he’s spent the last 30 years locked in a room with a pile of Woody Allen VHS tapes.”
Why he gave Manhunt a boner: Duh, because he’s hot! Our guest-blogger Lawrence covered this topic back in August – “I’m filling in for Dewitt for a few days, and I’m very excited to guest write the “Secret Sex” column, because it gives me a chance to talk about the one celebrity I’ve wanted to bang consistently for about fifteen years now: Stanley Tucci. No, really. The movie, if I remember right, was A Life Less Ordinary, and Tucci played the evil dentist trying to separate Cameron Diaz from sexy, sexy Ewan McGregor. There’s one short scene where he’s shirtless and fighting Ewan that I used to watch over and over again, ejaculating every time.”
Why we’re ashamed of our boner: Lawrence continued – “The sad thing about Stanley, though, is that it’s like he goes out of his way to pick unsexy movies to be in. The Devil Wears Prada? Burlesque? The Lovely Bones? As lovely as his bone surely is, his clothes are almost always on. But honestly that doesn’t make him less of a god. I mean I had a raging boner all through Julie & Julia, for God’s sake.”
Your pick: Grey Damon
They wrote: “Brian Littrell looks like he’s always smelling a fart. Nick Carter has all the genuine swagger of an Axe Body Spray commercial. A. J. McLean is a dead ringer for your local coke dealer. Howie Dorough should be tending bar in the Financial District. Jon Knight seems embarrassed. Jordan Knight needs a slap. Danny Wood, poor homely guy, is a one-man Planet of the Apes. Joey McIntyre and Donnie Wahlberg, WTF? Homeless hookers need money less than this. “
Why he gave Manhunt a boner: Nostalgia boners. Who hasn’t jerked off to some random boy band member at one point or another? Personally, I prefer Joey Fatone. Don’t judge me. He’s all sorts of hot in that tubby, chubby, wub-wub sort of way.
Why we’re ashamed of our boner: Listening to “You Got It (The Right Stuff)” or “Quit Playing Games (With My Heart)” and wondering what the hell we were thinking back then.
Your pick: Cy Waits
3. SCOTT BROWN:
They wrote: “It’s bad enough that we’ve seen way more than we wanted to of Senate hack Scott Brown’s pickup truck. But when Elizabeth Warren made a joke at his expense, pointing out that unlike her opponent she never stooped to soft-core, he fired back: ‘Thank God!’ Not classy. Meanwhile, we’re still waking up screaming from the indelible image of Brown’s ’70s-style chest-carpet.”
Why he gave Manhunt a boner: Whether or not you agree with his politics, you’ve got to admit—this guy’s a total DILF. The ol’ school Cosmo spread didn’t hurt either.
Why we’re ashamed of our boner: Well, politics? Both sides have had their issues with him.
Your pick: Jason Priestley <– I still jerk off to this post.
2. DANIEL TOSH:
They wrote: “The FCC is this grower’s best friend. (We hope for his girlfriend’s sake he’s a grower.) Clearly Mama never broke him of the running-around-naked habit, and now he has no beef taking his clothes off on TV, despite lack of visible meat. She probably makes him wear those ridiculous cardigans — but they make his wrists even look too small to satisfy a woman. We’re just glad his actual junk gets blurred out — though it’s an awfully small blur. Add Tosh porn to list of things we do not need in a video breakdown.”
Why he gave Manhunt a boner: Because he’s goofy and doesn’t give a fuck. Also, remember that time he aired a clip from an scene? We do.
Why we’re ashamed of our boner: His sense of humor could be seen as a bit immature. We’re reaching really hard to explain the shame here, because most of the office would give him an anal cranial (but in a sexier way, if that’s possible).
Your pick: Swan of Finland <– This is probably my favorite of the year.
They wrote: “Every time this greased-up slab of man meat gets upset, he takes out his feelings on somebody’s bed. What the eff is that about, Brosef? While all the Jersey Shore dudes could arguably find a home on this list, watching Ron try to dismantle Sammi’s bed in a fit of ’roid rage as she clung to the headboard like a overly tanned spider monkey wasn’t funny, just disturbing.”
Why he gave Manhunt a boner: He’s a meathead jock who’s kind of dumb, and we obviously have low standards? Again, we can’t speak for the whole office, but J. Harvey and I have a thing for dopey motherfuckers. We want to slap them in the face with our… intelligence.
Why we’re ashamed of our boner: Have you ever watched an episode of Jersey Shore? I haven’t, but I imagine it’d make me feel weird about wanting to give this dude a billion rimjobs.
Your pick: Coldplay