Stuff Straight People Like: Nipples

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The other day, our very heterosexual co-worker was discussing a girl he spotted on the train. It was a particularly cold day, and she wasn’t wearing a bra. We’re guessing you can do the rest of the math. This led us to wonder (he says in a Carrie Bradshaw voiceover)… Why are straight men so infatuated with nipples? Not just lady nipples. All nipples.

Let me tell you a story. Back in my days as a swimmer, there was a dude on my team who was fascinated with my nipples. He’d flick and pinch them whenever we were waiting behind the blocks. And it’s not like my nipples are anything out of the ordinary. Sure, they’re very prominent, but you wouldn’t necessarily write home about them.

But enough about my nipples! The point is, this guy was totally straight. I know this story may seem to indicate otherwise, but I swear on my grave that he was one-hundred percent obsessed with vaginas. And he loved playing with my nipples. Maybe this is just a personal thing? IDK, guys! As far as I know, straight men are really into nipples. That’s my story, and I’m sticking to it…

– Dewitt

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